Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Sacramento Kings owners Joe and Gavin Maloof will give away a suitcase full of their own cash on an upcoming episode of Oprah's Big Give. It's the brother's biggest act of charity since signing Vitaly Potapenko.

After getting their first victory of this month, Miami Heat coach Pat Riley said that Jason Williams and Chris Quinn could match up to Hall of Famers Jerry West and Gail Goodrich. In fairness, West and Goodrich are in their 60s.

A new study has found that HGH may worsen athletic performance. In fairness to the drug, the study focused mostly upon the Kansas City Royals.

And German billiards champion Axel Buescher has been suspended for one year after testing positive for a banned substance. Wow. That's as likely as any of you knowing who Axel Buescher is. Turns out, Buescher was caught with an 8-ball.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

 

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Miami Heat coach Pat Riley may miss several games with the team to scout NCAA draft prospects. It will be nice for Riley to finally see some quality basketball.

Miami's Dwyane Wade will miss the rest of the season to rehab his knee.  He was not available for comment because he was too busy celebrating. The Miami Heat are so bad, Will Ferrell just made a movie about them.

An animal rights organization has organized a letter-writing campaign protesting Sports Illustrated's use of a chimpanzee in their annual Swimsuit Issue. And we thought the hairy knuckle dragger was just Roger Clemens.

And 60-year-old actor Billy Crystal will play for the New York Yankees in Thursday's exhibition game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Crystal looks forward to meeting his boyhood idol - Roger Clemens.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

 

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The Atlanta Hawks won the NBA's first replay since 1983 by downing the Miami Heat in a game that lasted just 51.9 seconds. Somehow Miami fans still had time to boo.

Wisconsin residents are still reeling from Brett Favre's retirement. The only thing worse would be if they had to go to a Bucks game. Favre replacement Aaron Rodgers called Shaquille O'Neal over the weekend. For advice on filling big shoes.

And turns out Warren Sapp announced his retirement on the same day as Brett Favre. Both of Sapp's fans were crushed. Of course, that could have just happened when he hugged them.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

 

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Former NBA star Kevin Johnson is running for mayor of Sacramento. It could be the first time a basketball player wins anything in Sacramento.

Knicks guard Stephon Marbury made an unexpected visit to Madison Square Garden last week. And we thought he'd chant "Fire Isiah" from home. It was the first time all season that Marbury's presence at the Garden wasn't directly responsible for their loss.

In football, Terrell Suggs filed a grievance against the Baltimore Ravens over whether he should be classified as a defensive end or a linebacker. QB Rex Grossman has filed a similar grievance against Chicago over whether he should be classified as a liability or a lost cause.

And USC recruit Maurice Simmons has been arrested on suspicion of robbery. He might end up not playing for the Trojans this year, and instead going straight to the Cincinnati Bengals.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

 

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Hall of Fame horse trainer Sidney Watters Jr. has died at the age of 90. After a long illness, Watters was mercifully taken behind the barn and shot.

Gary Sheffield has lashed out at his former agent Scott Boras, calling him a "bad person." Which is the equivalent of Britney Spears saying that Lindsay Lohann is out of control.

260-pound Brewers slugger Prince Fielder has decided to stop eating meat. In a related story, Wisconsin will be tripling its dairy production.

The Florida Marlins have finally reached an agreement for a brand new stadium. The agreement is that the Dolphins and the Heat will never play there. Hopefully there'll be seating for all 300 Marlins fans. The ballpark will cost $515 million, raising the value of the franchise to $515 million.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen reportedly cursed over 1,000 times during a recent hour-long meeting. We'd air a bleeped version, but it'd sound like Morse code.

LeBron James' girlfriend is pregnant with the couple's third child, giving James the NBA record for most kids with the same woman.

San Antonio has acquired power forward Kurt Thomas from Seattle. The Spurs now have more veterans than the VFW.

And after 293 starts, golfer Brian Gay finally won a tournament. However, he's still not allowed to get married.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

 

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Chicago pitcher Ryan Dempster has predicted the Cubs will win the World Series. Major League Baseball is now testing him for drug use.

Isiah Thomas is trying to deal injured point guard Stephon Marbury. Unfortunately, the only person dumb enough to trade for Marbury is Isiah Thomas.

Steve Nash will play in a pair of Nike basketball shoes made from waste materials. Stephon Marbury should have pioneered the project, since he's been playing like garbage for years.

The Houston Rockets will unveil a monument honoring former star Hakeem Olajuwon. The statue is slightly more mobile than Shaquille O'Neal.

The British Olympic Association may supply its athletes at the Beijing Olympics with facemasks to counter both pollution and their teeth.

LSU quarterback Ryan Perrilloux was suspended "indefinitely" for undisclosed rules violations. "Indefinitely" is Cajun for "until the first game."

Florida State put itself on a two-year probation because of a massive cheating scandal. The cheating was so bad, the football team bought a diamond ring for Kobe Bryant's wife.

Veteran punter Jeff Feagles signed a two-year contract with the New York Giants. The franchise is thrilled to retain their original punter.

The Chicago Bears released Muhsin Muhammed. George Bush thanked the team for helping stamp out terrorism.

And thousands of shirts wrongly proclaiming the Patriots to be Super Bowl champs were delivered to children in Nicaragua. The kids hadn't seen shirts like that since they made them.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

 

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Nolan Ryan has agreed to become the Texas Rangers' new president, making him the best pitcher in the organization.

Brian McNamee promised he can prove that Roger Clemens took steroids because he has several old syringes and bloody gauze.  If true, the items will prove both Clemens' guilt and McNamee's creepiness. Thankfully, McNamee had saved them as a Valentine's Day gift for Amy Winehouse.

Pirates right-hander Tony Armas has agreed to a minor league contract with the New York Mets, because the minor leagues are a step up.

Memphis coach Marc Iavaroni defended trading Pau Gasol to the Lakers, saying it was best for the team. He's right, assuming that team is the Lakers.

Isiah Thomas is reportedly trying to trade for badly injured forward Jermaine O'Neal. Thomas' next acquisition will be Len Bias.

Mike Tyson and Junior Seau were spotted at a trendy Las Vegas restaurant recently. Seau had the filet mignon while Tyson dined on Lennox Lewis's children.

Carlos Quintana upset previously unbeaten Paul Williams for the welterweight title in Temecula, California. That's the first fight a latino had won in southern California since moments earlier in the parking lot.

The Steelers are keeping the natural grass surface at Heinz Field, so their offensive line has something to graze on.

And the NFC beat the AFC in the Pro Bowl. But with the ratings as low as they were, we could be making that up.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

 

 

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

A judge ruled that jailed Michael Vick can keep nearly $20 million in bonus money he received from the Atlanta Falcons. Vick was relieved, as he's got a really big dogfight coming up.

Chad Johnson is very upset at the Bengals, making him a true Cincinnati resident.

NHL player Nik Antropov was suspended for 3 games for throwing his stick at officials.  Fortunately the stick landed in the stands, where there was no one to injure.

Alyssa Milano has begun to blog for the NHL. Because she ran out of baseball players.

World ice-dancing champion Maxim Staviski has received a 2 1/2-year prison sentence for a drunken driving accident. A guy in a spandex unitard in prison. Nothing could go wrong there.

Former Olympic canoeing champion Frantisek Capek has died of an unspecified heart problem at the age of 93. Doctors could have saved him if they hadn't tragically reached for the wrong paddles.

Ballers Latrell Sprewell and Glen Rice have both had assault charges against them dropped. Maybe Johnnie Cochrane isn't dead after all.

The Toronto Raptors tied a franchise record with a 39-point victory. Shockingly, it was not against the Knicks.

Bob Knight officially resigned, having finally thrown his last chair.

And Chuck Knoblauch said his involvement in the steroid investigation has been blown way out of proportion. Like Roger Clemens' head.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

 

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas' 19-year-old son was arrested for underage drinking. His father immediately signed him to a six-year contract. The news is especially unfortunate because everything had been going so well for Isiah.

Heat center Shaquille O'Neal has indicated that he will keep playing basketball for at least two more years. The rap world is thrilled.

Nike's new Jordan 23s will cost $230 a pair. You may think that's extravagant but $115 of that goes directly to Michael Jordan's ex-wife. Wow, $230 for shoes. To afford that, you'd pretty much have to be a habitual gambler.

An arbitrator ruled that Terrell Owens owes the Philadelphia Eagles $800,000 in signing bonus money. Owens can earn this simply by skipping his next overdose.

Terrell Owens reportedly exchanged phone numbers with Paris Hilton in a Dallas nightclub, probably to discuss their mutual love of train wrecks.

Former Silver medalist boxer Amir Khan is already drawing big money and big hype, despite non-thrilling performances against ordinary opposition. Apparently "Amir Khan" is Pakistani for "Ryan Leaf."

And a group called ProjectFranchise.org is raising money to buy a professional sports team, and plans to let the fans vote on every decision. The group is based in Miami, but the Heat, Dolphins, and Marlins are not being considered. The point, after all is to buy a professional sports team.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

 

 

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Dan Marino's cell phone went off twice on a CBS' Sprint Halftime Report. Turns out it was Tom Brady and Eli Manning, calling to rub it in.

The Super Bowl is set with the Giants and the Patriots. It's about time New York and Boston had some kind of rivalry.

Muhammad Ali Enterprises is launching an official online store. Details are still shaky.

The good news is that Justine Henin and Maria Sharapova battled at the Australian Open. The bad news is they were both fully clothed.

NCAA Division II will expand to Canada, in a new division known as the N-C-Eh-Eh.

Bobby Knight has become the first men's Division I coach to reach 900 victories. Knight thanked IKEA.

The Lakers' injury list continues to grow. Pretty soon, Kobe Bryant will run out of people to not pass to.

And Miami baller Alonzo Mourning announced he may not retire after this year. Just what Florida needs: more old people who can't drive. Why not stick around? The team's doing great with him. How bad are the Miami Heat? In comparison, the Dolphins are now just mediocre.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

 

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The Bejing Olympic torch will make an appearance in Tiananmen Square, before being crushed by a tank.

Knicks coach Isiah Thomas has said that all of his players are "untouchable." Much like plague victims and lepers. Despite this, Thomas believes that the women in the organization are plenty touchable.

New Jersey Net Jason Kidd is having a child with his girlfriend. Kidd is excited to be credited with the assist.

Congress called a special hearing to tell Major League Baseball to crack down on steroids. Because they've really got that whole war issue wrapped up.

Sprinter Marion Jones has been sentenced to six months in prison. But with her speed, she'll be out in three.

And double-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius has said he will appeal his ban from competing in the Beijing Olympics. It's nice to hear he's still stumping for change. It's a nice gesture, but legally the guy doesn't have a leg to stand on. When reached for comment, Pistorious said, "arrrrr!"


For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Maria Sharapova claimed that Women's Tennis is free from corruption. However, there are financial bonuses for grunting.

The already retired Martina Hingis has been inexplicably banned for two years for testing positive for cocaine. That'll show her. Officials learned of her cocaine problem after she snorted the service line.

New York Jets safety Kerry Rhodes is dating one of the team's offensive lineman. I'm sorry - he's dating Jennifer Hudson.

Grambling head coach Rod Broadway denied the rumor that he's leaving the school. He admitted, however, that he is named after a gay porn star.

The Dolphins fired coach Cam Cameron, just 16 games too late. The Knicks have already made an offer.

81-year-old Penn State coach Joe Paterno said he planned to honor his two-year contract. Mother Nature has yet to sign the deal.

Floyd Mayweather is mulling over a move to Mixed Martial Arts, and Roy Jones worked out with the New York Knicks. The two were no longer content with boring fans to tears in just one sport.

And Former All-Star pitcher Gerry Staley has died at the age of 87. The Yankees have since offered their condolences and a two-year contract.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The Detroit Lions fired offensive coordinator Mike Martz after going 1-7 in the second half. Martz was surprised as it was Detroit's best second half in ten years. The Detroit Lions had started the season 6-2 before suddenly remembering they were the Detroit Lions.

The San Francisco 49ers did not fire coach Mike Nolan, instead blaming their 5-11 season on global warming.

Marion Jones has asked a judge not to give her jail time, saying her disgrace was punishment enough. Which will set up a very convincing insanity plea. Yes, humiliation is a true substitute for jail time. Luckily for Jones, this is the same judge that ordered an armed robber to be publicly nooggied. In fairness, Jones was stripped of all of her medals. And there's no replacing those - except with the millions of dollars she got to keep.

Munich is a strong candidate for the 2018 Olympics. Because that went so well last time.

The New York Knicks are so bad, they're the forth best basketball team in the New York area, behind the Nets, the Liberty, and the NYU Violets. The Knicks are so bad that they make Miami look like they have a good team. A good football team.

And the Boston Celtics have the best record in the Eastern Conference. In fairness, most of their games are against teams in the Eastern Conference.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The New York Yankees paid a $23.5 million luxury tax, directly to the Florida Marlins. The Marlins plan on using the money to compete with the Nationals for fourth place.

Barry Bonds appeared in court this week, wearing a suit with the biggest neck hole ever.

The Michigan State Spartans benched five players from the Champs Sports Bowl, due to various violations. Among the five were defensive standouts Jonal Saint-Dic and SirDarean Adams, who were benched for having silly names.

Speaking of silly names, in tennis, Dominik Hrbaty pulled out of the Australian Open, after injuring his elbow while trying to buy a vowel.

After a 9-16 start, the Bulls fired coach Scott Skiles. Hey New York Knicks: see how easy that was? In related news, the Miami Dolphins set their coach on fire.

Golfer Lorena Ochoa was selected the AP's female athlete of the year for the second year in a row, narrowly edging out Alex Rodriguez. Tom Brady won the AP's male athlete of the year, after impregnating half the judges.

And for the first time in four years, Michelle Wie did not receive one of the four sponsors exemptions to play in the Sony Open. This year, the tournament decided to give the exemptions to golfers.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The New York Knicks paid Anucha Browne Sanders $11.5 million to settle her lawsuit. Makes sense - the Knicks paying millions to someone who can't play basketball.

Wayne Huzienga says he'd be willing to sell the Dolphins, or trade them for a pro football team.

The 2012 U.S. Olympic track and field trials will be held in Eugene. A somewhat frazzled Eugene could not be reached for comment.

Alex Rodriguez said that he and agent Scott Boras are not speaking to each other. It may last the whole season, but A-Rod plans to cave in October.

Roger Clemens has denied he used steroids and said he'd love to meet his accuser face to oversized face.

In 2009, George Steinbrenner High School opens in Tampa and for the first time, Steinbrenner will be associated with the grossly underpaid. The school principal has already been fired four times.

Manny Ramirez's game-used do-rags are available for $26 on eBay. That's a bargain, considering the current price of oil.

And the New York Mets will raise ticket prices about 20% for next season. The Mets will use the extra cash to pay for all the steroids and losing. Thankfully, ticket prices will decrease by 7% over the last 17 games of the season.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Job finding site Monster.com just bought a Super Bowl ad. Hopefully, Eric Mangini will be watching the game. Well, we know he won't be coaching in it.

Injured Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett is now walking on his own. Everett already has more mobility than half of his teammates. Everett first stood up during a Bills game - to change the channel.

David Beckham was given the job of the official backstage photographer for the Spice Girls, only to miss the concert with an injury.

Forbes named the New York Knicks the NBA's most valuable franchise. This thrilled the team's majority stock holder, Anucha Browne Sanders.

Goodletsville, Tennessee's Brandon Coppinger is officially the best NASCAR video game player, winning the EA Sports Craftsman Challenge. He is truly the best at simulating left turns. Maybe next year he can simulate kissing a girl.

Scott Niedermayer will rejoin the Anaheim Ducks after missing the team's first 28 games. Niedermayer wasn't retiring, he just hadn't realized that the NHL season had started.

And USA Today's staff has compiled a list of the top 25 college football games from the last 25 years and none of them involve the SEC. Even sadder? In the last 25 years, not one journalism department in the SEC has produced a student capable of working at USA Today.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

New York Giants leading rusher Derrick Ward is out with a leg injury. Ward's leg is so weak, doctors briefly mistook it for Eli Manning's arm.

The Lions' Roy Williams may be out for the season. Detroit will have to replace him with one of their other 742 wide receivers.

Ricky Williams' season ended after he tore a chest muscle. Williams will spend the next few weeks trying to convince his doctor it was due to glaucoma.

Tom Petty will play at half-time of the Super Bowl, dedicating "Don't Come Around Here No More" to the Miami Dolphins.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been selected NASCAR's most popular driver by internet users for the fifth straight year. Earnhardt is well liked by both NASCAR fans that own computers.

Tony La Russa pleaded guilty to driving under the influence. The Cardinal manager admitted to falling asleep at the wheel last year, and also driving under the influence.

Dick's Sporting Goods has purchased Chick's Sporting Goods. Yes, Dick's bought Chick's. Every possible domain name for their new company is already taken.

Harness driver Tim Tetrick has broken the single-season record with his 1,078th victory. Tetrick has been riding his horses so hard this year that they're already starting to smell like glue.

For the second time, Bobby Knight has been accused of shooting someone while hunting. Next week, Knight will be announcing his candidacy for Vice President.

And the New York Knicks lost to the Celtics by 45 points, barely beating the spread.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

A Colorado Rockies fan offered 25 years worth of Playboy magazines for two World Series tickets. Two tickets? We find it hard to believe that someone with that many adult magazines actually has someone he can take to the game.

The Yankees heard of A-Rod's decision to opt out of his contract when agent Scott Boras sent a text message to Brian Cashman. This means A-Rod will most likely leave the Bronx, and Boras and Cashman are no longer BFF. And in case you didn't think Boras was a big enough jerk already, he signed the text message with a sideways winky face.

Retiring Houston Astro Craig Biggio was given the Roberto Clemente Award.  Not for his community service, but for ending his career in a tailspin.
Pacman Jones is on his way to San Diego, hopefully to make it rain.

The Tour de France is expected to have a whole new look for 2008. In order to accommodate cyclists who aren't on HGH, the event's is now half a mile.

Kobe Bryant is angry with Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak, whom he believes is blocking a potential trade with unreasonable demands. It must be so frustrating when someone else's unreasonable demands get in the way of your own.

The Heat have traded perpetually out of shape forward Antoine Walker to the Timberwolves. Now that he's in Minnesota, he won't seem as fat.

And an ambulance crew who picked up a dying runner during the Chicago Marathon got lost on the way to a hospital. As if that weren't bad enough, the extra driving added an additional half hour to the runner's overall time. The crew was immediately fired and replaced by Kenyans with rickshaws.

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Sports Minute (or so)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

We can't predict the future, but we'd like to wish Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr good luck on the new job he'll probably have soon.

NFL coaches Mike Nolan and Jack Del Rio will be outfitted exclusively by suit maker Joseph Abboud this year. Unfortunately for Bill Belichick, Abboud does not create oversized sweatshirts.

The son of Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid has been charged with drugs and DUI. Who does this kid think he is, a football player?

Speaking of drunk, the Tampa City Council will not allow the Buccaneers to sell hard liquor at Raymond James Stadium. Clearly, the city council has never had to sit through an entire Buccs game.

Tough break for the Minnesota Timberwolves.  A bum shoulder from a jet skiing accident could cause Mark Madsen to miss three months. Only three months. The Wolves are currently trying to negotiate a torn ACL.

In other injury news, one of Canada's top gymnasts broke both his legs while practicing, forever silencing anyone who'd ever wished him luck.

And 1967 Masters champion Gay Brewer died at age 75, still hating his parents. But ironically loving beer. Gay Brewer. We had no idea Mike Piazza had been traded to Milwaukee.

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Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Harrah's has announced that it intends to build an arena in Las Vegas capable of housing an NBA team. Tim Donaghy has already volunteered to referee all 41 home games.

The Houston Rockets have made a contract offer to defensive specialist Dikembe Mutombo. The offer is for one year or six points, whichever comes first.

Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be a cast member of Dancing With the Stars. We're not sure how he'll be able to stay on his feet while they're constantly in his mouth.

A judge has set bond at $5 million each for the two men accused of robbing Antoine Walker's home. Ironically, that's almost as much money as Walker stole from the Heat last season.

Barry Bonds was honored in San Francisco when the mayor presented him with the key to the city. Given Bonds' popularity, we're surprised he didn't just leave the key under the mat. Next up is a visit to the Wizard to finally get a heart.

Red Sox reliever Jonathan Papelpon invented a new pitch: a combination cutter and slider that he calls a slutter. The pitch is also known as "The Paris Hilton."

After being cut by the Padres, David Wells has joined the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Dodgers are looking forward to increased sales of Dodger Dogs. However, fans are complaining about the loss of a handicapped parking spot.

And Gary Sheffield will miss several games with a sore shoulder. Sheffield has already come out against the shoulder for being racist.

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